____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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