so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
