He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
