I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
