can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
