I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
