A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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