is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Someone came in the potted fern
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
