Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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