You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
