You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
