Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
