I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
