dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
