my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
