tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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