I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
