May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
