He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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