So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
