I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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