That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
