It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
