remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
