You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
