i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
