Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
