I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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