Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She's not a foreskin expert like you
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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