Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
