He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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