My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
