you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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