dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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