You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
