Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
