My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
