It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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