If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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