just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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