I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
