the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I need to align my fucking chakras
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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