my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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