Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
