how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
