he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
