Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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