An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
