Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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