There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
